Hi,

I set up a new site based on the book, the 12-Step Buddhist. There's a new blog article called, "Getting Naked with the Guru," and a new podcast, along with some good resources.

I'd love it if some people would take a look and listen and let me know if it works, what's missing, if they don't like something, etc.

The podcast will be up on iTunes soon but it's home is here:
http://the12stepbuddhist.libsyn.com/

The website is http://the12stepbuddhist.com where the blog and other articles live.

thanks!

-d

Darren Littlejohn
the 12-Step Buddhist
http://the12stepbuddhist.com

For info on the book release, a chance to win stuff visit http://the12stepbuddhist.com

OM

Great Compassionate One, Lord Who Tames Sentient Beings,

Your blazing bodily form subdues mundane spirits.

Having achieved the levels, your body is beyond decline.

I salute and praise your form, which equals dharmakaya.

AH

From the center of the lotus crescent of your vajra tongue,

Your perfect and splendorous voice emanates and absorbs the subjugating mantras,

Pacifying, increasing, magnetizing and subjugating.

Supreme king of Secret Mantra, I salute and praise your speech, which equals the voice of Hayagriva.

HUM

The various shrine objects of body, speech and mind,

And glorious Samye, my sacred aspiration, were built and consecrated by you, Master.

I devotedly bow before you, equal to a nirmanakaya.

Though I am not worthy of requesting and beseeching you,

I beg you kindly to pay heed to me.

Please think of us with compassion and bestow upon us the sadhanas of Secret Mantra that give enlightenment within one lifetime.

Yeshe Tsogyal – The Lotus-Born: The Life Story of Padmasambhava; Rangjung Yeshe Publications

Guru: Sanskrit for teacher.

Lama: Tibetan for guru.

This is my first blog entry in a year, as I've been busy writing The 12-Step Buddhist. It is to be published by Beyond Words, a division of Simon and Schuster, on March 10th, 2009. Please consider pre-ordering, as this will affect the initial print-run. Now that it's complete, I've got some time to blog. As always, your comments are welcome. And if you like it, please share it with one of the Social Networking buttons found at the bottom of this article.

In the old days of my 12-Step recovery, they used to say that if you were going to make it in sobriety, you had to learn to "get naked." I mentioned this in a meeting recently and got a strange reaction. What they meant was that we needed to drop our rock, join the parade, and become emotionally vulnerable with another human being in our 5th Step, "We Admitted to God, to Ourselves and to Another Human Being the Exact Nature of Our Wrongs." In recovery, our sponsors were about the closest thing to a guru that most of us ever had.

I have, for all of my spiritual life, found it difficult to think of any man as a guru. Maybe the term guru has connotations that I find difficult to absorb. Not that I knew any, but I'd come across enough freaks to be suspicious of anybody spouting spiritual mumbo jumbo. As a teenager, I often attended huge outdoor rock festivals in the San Francisco Bay Area, where crazed naked hippies would dance for 10 hours in one spot—oblivious to anything but the groove, staring at things in space that only they could see. Whenever I heard the word guru, I pictured leftover seekers such as these, who'd probably gone to India to take acid with some hairy Hindu master in a diaper and returned in some strange condition.

As for the gurus themselves, I had no trust where they were concerned. I grew up in California in the 70's, when such famous names as Charles Manson, the Symbionese Liberation Army, and Jim Jones dominated the news. No purple cool-aid for me, thank you very much. I trusted no one, especially not priests, cops, and politicians.

As a 12-Stepper in the early 80's, I was even convinced that there was a guy in a mansion somewhere who collected all the dollar bills we put into the baskets at meetings. It was probably ten years before I felt comfortable adding money when the baskets were passed. So if you said "Guru," I said "Bullshit!" So back in 2005 when my sponsor said, "Dude, you need to find a guru," I said, "Uh, what the "F" are you talking about, man?"

I'd known John P. as a sober friend since 1990 and a few years back he'd replaced my sponsor John C. after he died of cancer. John P. had been to many places as a seeker. He'd read everything from Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta to Blaise Pascal. He'd even read Hitler's Mein Kempf looking for answers. He'd been to Egypt and had done the Course in Miracles with Marianne Williamson back in the day. But John was talking strange when he told me that he was getting an impression—he always got his impressions from a 45 degree angle, coming at him as a message for which he was only a channel— that I needed to find my guru. So I reluctantly began my quest.

You can read about how that evolved in The 12-Step Buddhist. What follows here is the account of my most recent retreat with Tibetan Master Chogyal Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche at the seat of his first North American Center in Conway, Massachusetts.

Retreat Day One

Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 10:59pm

Hey Everybody,

Normally I like to take pictures on the fly with my Palm Centro and send them up to Facebook for instant updates. But I can't send pics by phone from here because there is no data service. So I'll have to upload them all when I get back. In the meantime, there is a nice Mac here that I can get on and provide some text notes.

Today was pretty cool. Had a drive in with my friend. I've known her since early sobriety—1984. She is one of the few who is still around to compare notes with. We had a very long talk regarding some pretty serious problems she's having. Her husband used to be sober and now is not. It's been very difficult for both of them. My visit to their house in Boston was not relaxing. Whenever my addict friends fall out of recovery, it's quite difficult to relate to them on the same spiritual 12-Step terms that we based our original relationship on. So it was tough for me to see this happening and I was eager to get to my retreat.

I got here a day early and met a few people who came before the imminent intensity of the retreat. It may be more than co-incidental that the first friend I made here was Lisa from Chicago, also a student of Khachab Rinpoche, whom I know. I figured this out when I saw her sitting on the porch reading Jamgon Kongtrul.

I am assigned the Karma Yoga service position, of being an assistant videographer for Jennifer Fox, who is making a documentary about Namkhai Norbu, for the whole retreat. That's really nice. I'll be sitting right up front and will be able to use some of my media skills. Tomorrow Rinpoche will begin the introductory teachings and we will do a gana puja. I can't wait. The energy here is very strong already.

Now I'll try to get a little rest. I couldn't sleep until 0600 last night/this morning, so I'm a little wacky. Too much going on in my head. Many people who I've met say, "Oh, I know who you are." Evidently my reputation precedes me. Not sure if it's positive or negative, but I will work to establish good relations within the sangha. Now for that sleep!

Day Two

Friday, May 30, 2008 at 11:34pm

Well today has been very intense. It started rough because I got no sleep again. The guy next to me in the dorms snored real loud, all night long. I missed the morning yoga practice because my first priority was to get some coffee down the hill at the General Store. I wandered about and had a conversation with a counselor from St. Louis who has interest in the 12 Steps and wanted to know about my book. Later, I was having a conversation with a guy from Berkeley, when I discovered that he's a friend of a fellow practitioner back in Portland, who just so happened to be house sitting for me. Serendipitous!

I've met many interesting people with connections to different lamas. It is fascinating to me how varied the backgrounds are of the participants. We have healers, kundalini teachers, masseurs, psychologists, psychedelic explorers, musicians—all with extended spiritual training. One lady described how she fasted for four days at a Sundance in Mexico with Native Americans, for example.

I worked on a team that set up 300 Ganapuja offering plates with a variety of different foods. That was intense! About 20 people got it done pretty fast. I was wiped out after that. But, the night was filled with a cacophonous chorus of extra loud snoring, so I again slept just two hours.

A bit later, I set up the camera for the video shoot of Namkhai Norbu. It was about 95 in the room, and all the windows were closed. He likes to stay warm they tell me. I got my camera training from the lady who's doing the documentary. It was a little hard for me, as I'm used to being the director and producer. I had to switch up my attitude to be of service to her needs and in the interest of how she wanted to represent our teacher. There were no problems though, and the day's shooting went smoothly.

As Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche's teachings began, I got many good pictures of him. But at times I thought I was going to pass out from the heat and the intensity. We had a 15 minute teaching before the webcast, which was run by NNR's son Yeshi, who is also a reincarnate lama. I worked next to him at the webcast station. Things went very well and we had a nice session.

There is a wine offering that is part of these types of pujas. I've made the mistake of taking a small sip from the palm of my hand as it was offered in past events. So I'm very, very careful to avoid any surprises. The way I deal with it as a 12-Step Buddhist is to stick the tip of my finger in the glass, shake it off, bless it and put just a tiny, tiny part of my finger under my tongue for a split second. This way, I'm not tasting wine but am respecting the offering. This is a very, very tricky deal for those of us in recovery and, in my opinion, an area where Buddhists could be a lot more sensitive. I've spoken to more than one practitioner who has relapsed this way. But it is also part of practicing beyond our limitations. It's not an easy thing to do, and, I admit, I have the limitation of my DNA and body chemistry. I am an addict. My offering is to participate in the way I describe above, or to simply pass my hand over the glass and say a blessing.

In between sessions, I went up and said a quick hello to Rinpoche. He said, "OKAY, " in his endearing way. I just smiled and bowed. Several people who I know and like then got in line to see him, so I made it my mission, as I normally do, to get some nice pictures of them with the Master. I took a great video of NNR leaving, with his grandson helping him out the door. It was very sweet.

I then went up to the Khandroling land and saw the farmhouse area where people are camping. That was really fun and I met more interesting people from San Diego and other areas. Very nice. Then we went down to a bar and had dinner, where the conversation again, for the second night, become very deep, very fast. It's quite rewarding being around so many dedicated, high level practitioners. This is truly inspiring.

Day Three

Saturday, May 31, 2008 at 11:19pm

Is it only Day Three? Yikes, what a day it has been. I was going to do yoga but opted for a shower instead before running down for some coffee at the General Store. There was no getting around it. After some refreshing muffins and eavesdropping on farm conversation about steers that got loose, I came back up to the gonpa (meditation room) to set up the camera. I was able to join the last few minutes of the yoga class before teachings began.

When our teacher arrived I got a lot of close-up shots. As he sat waiting for the time teachings were to begin, he seemed to be praying for the crowd—his lips moving silently as his compassionate eyes scanned back and forth slowly across the room. I was moved again on many levels, as the energy wafted through a room full and silent.

Rinpoche taught well. When he speaks, the meaning beneath the words is so clear. Many times during the teaching I thought I noticed him looking at me. Though it was just for an instant, the connection was palatable. The beginning of another rich day. If it had ended right there, it would have been enough.

I decided to go up after teachings to ask him to bless my mala: Tibetan prayer beads. I have had my malas blessed by different lamas, but it's my special mala and this is my root, or main, lama. It's common practice to make such a request and there's no need to tell the lama why you're asking, so I just handed Rinpoche my mala. He closed it in his hands in a prayer mudra (hand gesture), and began whispering mantras. This gentle sound roused a stirring deep in my chest, which filled my throat and eyes with water. It is so amazing to have this powerful being as my teacher. Unbelievable.

At the break, I ran down with a new friend from NYC and had a bit of lunch. I found out that he was in very early recovery and wanted to talk a bit about the 12 Steps. I happily obliged. We walked back in the muggy, hot rain. Maybe Portland isn't the only crazy weather town after all.

Following was another teaching, this one with an old-timey thirty-year NNR student. It was amazing and powerful. I'd participated with this teacher some twenty months ago, but had no real experience to go by. This time, I could really feel that experience in fact makes a difference.

That teaching lasted two hours and was immediately followed by an advanced yoga class. I stayed put, without a break, to learn more. I found out that it's a demanding, life-altering practice! I hope I sleep tonight because of it. Three days with no Grande in a Vente , or an add shot! OMG—how am I surviving?

In the evening I trekked down the hill in my crock knocks and rain hat, in search of pizza with another new friend from Maine. This is an older guy of about 65, with a shrewd sense of humor. He lives out in the remote woods somewhere with his wife and is really happy to be out amongst the living. I just met him, and he finishes sentences for me and I find that I have very little to explain. You can imagine, that leaves me in a bit of a conversational quandary. He and I bumped into the NYC guy, and had a nice meal at the Conway Inn—the only game in town.

Later, I did another intense practice session with about thirty people from the non-commuter group. It's always different with the people who are staying together than when the big crowd is in attendance. There was some chanting during the practice, and no one had a bell to keep time. So I tried feebly to ring mine in tune and in time. It was obviously off, but hey, we do our best. (Of course, a few days later when I decided against bringing my bell, everyone pulled theirs out and began ringing!)

Tomorrow morning will begin early with yoga, followed by a teaching from a Jigme Lingpa text. Jigme Lingpa is a really famous teacher in the Nyngma lineage. He's responsible for a famous teaching called the Heart Essence or Longchen Nyngthig.

It will be AWESOME. I plan to do the dance movement class in the afternoon. After that, I have an appointment to see the Tibetan Doctor, who is Rinpoche's niece and head of the Tibetan Medicine program. I want to see if she can help me with some problems I've had for many years that Western medicine has no cure for. Fifteen minutes after that appointment, we will have the Medicine Buddha initiation. How auspicious is that?

I appreciate the people on Facebook who are sending comments. I had a lot of anxiety about coming here and it helps to feel so connected with those both near and far.

Day Four

Sunday, June 1, 2008 at 10:46pm

This morning I had my usual delicious muffin and coffee down at the General Store. Then I came up and prepared the camera area for the day's teachings. I wasn't required to do much shooting this morning, so I took it easy and sunk into the experience. That was nice. But I still felt like I had to take care of the camera, even though I didn't. Funny how the mind works.

I'd made a friend on Facebook who is in recovery and is a test reader for my book. But I didn't know she was there. Suddenly she came up and hugged and kissed me. That was real nice! It turns out there were a few more 12-Step Buddhists in attendance as well. I slowly went from one to the other and suggested that we have a meeting together ASAP. They all agreed.

After lunch I went to see the Dr. Wangmo. She looked at me and said, "So, how can I help you?" I told her about my problem with Post Hallucinogenic Perceptual Disorder, poor sleep, agitation and so on. She felt my pulses and asked me questions. At the end, she said, "You have wind disease of the third channel." She prescribed some Tibetan herbs and said, "Take these, and do practice. Then you'll feel better." She didn't say specifically what practice to do, but I had an idea based on something I'd heard in the teachings earlier. She said that although I should be able to tell in a few weeks if the herbs are working, it generally takes three to four months to see improvement. But, "In your case," she said, "it may take longer." My sponsor laughed when I later recounted this story.

About an hour later, we took a special Medicine Buddha initiation with Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche, to consecrate the Tibetan Medicine program and I'm sure for other very good reasons. I went on a picture-taking frenzy, which evidently spawned everyone else who had a camera to start snapping. At one point, we were all lined up in a row at the front, like the Dharma Paparazzi, competing for "the shot." I'm sure I got a lot of good ones and hopefully people will like them. The session was intense and amazing, as we all knew it would be.

Then I went down to the Conway Inn and had pizza with more new friends. Tomorrow is my 46th birthday. The retreat is moving up from this location for the day to the sacred land of Khandroling, the home of the Universal Mandala. Rinpoche will give teachings, and I assume we'll be hanging out up there for most of the day, swimming in the pond and BBQing. So I told my 12-Step friends, this is the place we should have our meeting! It is said that whatever practice is done on this sacred mandala is exponentially increased in power. It's similar to what the Tibetans say about doing prostrations in the place where the Buddha gained realization. This is why pilgrims prostrate for 3000 miles to that site. Each prostration is said to purify eons of negative karma. So, I think it this would be a good thing to be able to report to the 12-Step folks back home. How many of us have had a meeting in such a place? Will it give us permanent sobriety? No, but I guess it would be like having a meeting at the table where Bill W. and Dr. Bob first met in Akron, Ohio.

Any way you look at it, I'll be hanging out with the Master, in a sacred place, on my birthday, taking teachings and practicing recovery. So that's a pretty cool birthday present, don't you think?

Day Five - my birthday!

Monday, June 2, 2008 at 10:21pm

I hit the ground running today trying to get everything—sun block, hat, water, etc.—in my backpack for the trip up to the land. I was lucky to pick up a ride with a guy from Boston, along with my friend from Maine and another gal from San Diego. The day was filled with fantastic conversation. I got into some deep stuff with one woman as we talked for an hour before they loaded up the caravan to the hills. Turns out she is in recovery as well and has a twisted sense of humor that I can really appreciate. Does anybody know what a Rusty Trombone is? I'll refer you to the Urban Dictionary for that one.

When we got to what I thought was the end of the road, I found out we had to hike about 30 minutes uphill. The stones, sticks and steep climb were a bit challenging in my Crock knocks. After what seemed like way too long, we made it up to the top with just five minutes to spare before teachings began. While hiking, we hadn't been aware of the time. I'm used to being in my spot at least a half hour early. I jammed myself in between two practitioners, sitting on a stone.

Of course the moment I sat I realized I had to pee. But I refuse to ever get up while teachings are in process, unless it's totally unavoidable. We began with a fantastic practice under the strangely windy, cloudy and sunny skies. We made offerings and had pristine teachings of the highest nature. It was amazing and difficult, as I couldn't get comfortable: after I'd shift to avoid pressure on my bladder, my leg would fall asleep or I'd become aware of a stone protruding into my ankle bone. I'd put on my Gortex rain jacket because it was cold and then the sun would blaze down on my head, making me feel like I was about to pass out. There weren't enough copies of the practice to go around so I shared with a couple from somewhere in Europe. We kept losing our place and one of us would find it again. It was pretty awesome.

The second NNR said, "Ok we are finished with teachings for today," I bolted down the hill to the potty, thank you God! Good thing too, because when I came out there were about a hundred people in line. My friend and I took some pictures while circumambulating the stupa: a monument or reliquary representing the enlightened mind. We were later informed that this stupa took five years to build, and is filled with many sacred items.

Back on the hill, everyone was having a picnic, a couple of guys were playing jazz, some were playing acoustic guitars and people had already formed social clusters. I found myself sitting alone in the midst of this, feeling sad because it was my birthday, and I had no one to talk to. Some friends from Oregon walked right by me and sat with some other people. I felt like I was going to cry and that I should just go off in the woods by myself somewhere. Just then a woman friend from France, whom I'd spent time with earlier in the week, came over and sat with me, ending my blues and my isolation. She said she didn't want to be in the crowd, and offered me some food and conversation.

I found myself thinking that I'd really like to talk to this one young woman who'd set me up with the doctor's appointment. At that moment, she came up to me and asked me how it went. I could hear my friend Lloyd's voice in my head saying, "The Wish Fulfilling Jewel!" He said that to me several times as things we'd been discussing spontaneously manifested during the retreat. It was a very surreal and interesting conversation with this beautiful secret messenger that confirmed that I am indeed on the correct path—with the teacher, the teachings and the medicine. I'm excited about pursuing this line of treatment.

After that I took a tour of the land with an older practitioner who helped build it. We got all the history, the plan for new stuff like more retreat cabins and so on. It was excellent. On the way down the hill he offered to give us a ride back to the retreat area. Since it was a long way back from where we were, the four of us gladly accepted. We thought everyone had left, but when we reached the pond, we found that Rinpoche was swimming with about 30 people! They were splashing around and singing a Shariputra song. I got a bit on video and will put up later. It was lovely. I opted not to run and jump in, since I didn't want to lose my ride, but it was a very nice thing to see.

I got back to the dorms and took a shower, then grabbed my friend Danielle and went down for a burger at the General Store. I know, we go there a lot, but it's the only option. After that, we went to the Conway Inn, where they have Wi-Fi, and talked for several hours until another practitioner came in and joined us for another extended excellent conversation. We got some tips on how to invite teachers to our local community and other ideas to help with building sangha.

So for this birthday, I only had to feel sorry for myself for about 10 minutes. Then it all came together. I missed my Tysa and Zippy and Mackie real bad, but that's an ongoing pain that will only subside on Saturday when I see them again. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading and thanks to all the Facebook fans for the happy birthday wishes. It made me feel very nice.

Day Six

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 at 10:09pm

Wow, I couldn't imagine a better day. I woke up refreshed, didn't even let the snoring or 4am cell phone conversation that my roommate had keep me awake. I went down and had me some coffee and a muffin at the General Store. Then I set up the camera and we had teachings. It was a most beautiful and pristine teaching. Rinpoche's knowledge is unceasing. I find myself thoroughly engrossed in every second of listening to his mastery of topics.

At one point, Rinpoche was discussing how he was asked to teach and why he teaches what he does and what it means to him. I just had tears rolling down my face. I felt like he was sharing with us in a very deep way of his own personal experience. I really appreciate that because it reminds me of my experience in 12-Step programs when people share their own experience, strength and hope. You don't always expect this in non-recovery settings.

After teachings I went up to talk with Rinpoche and he was gracious enough to pose with me for a picture that my friend Clyde took for me. After posing, he turned to me and said, "Perfect, no?" I said, "Yes. Perfect!" Then I gave him the mala I'd made for him of green malachite that I got at a special bead show in January, in anticipation of coming here. It had a green, knotted silk tassle that was blessed by His Holiness Dalai Lama. I gave it to Rinpoche and he smiled and put his hand out to me with a kind of, "Well done Lad," look on his smiling face. I was walking on clouds for the rest of the day.

Then I went to the next town with a girl I met from, uh where is she from, oh yeah, New Orleans. I've met all sorts of spiritual healers and practitioners from so many varied backgrounds. It is really, really amazing the people who are attracted to Namkhai Norbu. Totally F'n mind blowing.

We enjoyed our lunch on this bridge covered in flowers over a river and talked and it was very nice. She just wandered in to the retreat the other day and people, including myself, had encouraged her to stay. She did and is very happy about it (I later found out that she decided to stay on as the Farmhouse attendant for the whole summer).

We went back to the gar just in time for another teaching and practice session with a senior student/teacher. This was also first-rate. That evening, Rinpoche's six-year-old grandson had a birthday party. I know, this day and week hadn't been packed enough! So we celebrated that and then I walked down here to type up my notes at the bar with Wi-Fi. The bartender automatically starts making me a cherry coke when I walk him. Just like old times!

This is truly an amazing experience. I took about 2000 pictures already and some video. Stay tuned as there are a few days left to report on. All I can say is OM AH HUM friends and neighbors. OM AH HUM.

Day Seven

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 11:59pm

Well I didn't sleep much last night. Got up tired and crabby but went to get coffee with Danielle, who is funny as hell. We had detailed teachings, Bardo: transitional states such as between birth and death. But I had to watch the camera for the close shot, following Rinpoche as he moved. It was distracting. I kind of had to mention it to the camera lady who, as it turns out, is a professional film maker and teacher. Woops. Well I needed to get clearer communications going and I think it's better now.

After lunch with my friend Lloyd, I found six addicts to have a 12-Step Sangha type meeting with. We did a little practice and shared just like we do at our Portland 12-Step Sangha group. It was excellent for everyone and they said they'd love to do it again. Most had never considered having a meeting like this while on retreat, so I felt good about making it happen. I'd asked one of the coordinators to announce the meeting, but he said that this should happen "organically." Well, I beg to differ. This is one point that Buddhists need to understand, namely, that it is important for recovering people to be able to find each other and have support. This is particularly true in emotionally intense environments, where plenty of alcohol is drunk.

Later, we had another talk on collaboration within the community with Yeshi Namkhai, NNR's son. He also gave a teaching really, which was quite good. I'd wondered if I'd connect with him, since he's Italian by upbringing and it seems that sometimes European men and I don't connect very easily. But I enjoyed his talks very much after all, particularly the stories of growing up with this powerful teacher as his father, how the community evolved and so on.

That evening, a few of us drove to Greenfield, wherever that is, for Mexican food. It was a lot of fun, as we blew off stress by cracking up with strange jokes the whole time. I've stayed up too late so I am going to bed now. Two more days and I will be home to my babe, my babies, and my hot tub. Oh, and all my 12-Step peeps. Can't wait to see everyone!

The Last 3 Days – a Summary

Well I didn't get to write the notes for the last three days because I was utterly blown away and exhausted. So while you won't get the details, I think you'll notice the essence of the experience.

The big thing about Thursday was the auction. After teachings we had a gana puja (offering ritual), followed by a fund-raiser auction. There were many things for up to bid on: statues, thangkas, calligraphy from Rinpoche. The bidding started at $1000 for most items, so it was all way out of my league. Michael Katz, author of the excellent book Dream Yoga and the Practice of Natural Light and leader of retreats on that topic, was the auctioneer.

There was a lot of wine flowing, I guess in the spirit of loosening up. I wasn't comfortable in this setting. It continued to be very hot and every two seconds somebody had a bottle of wine in my face. The smell of it stuck in my craw for hours. After a bit I decided that I was pretty wiped out and the room continued to be stifling, so I went out for some cool, fresh, alcohol-free air. Shortly after, my little redheaded friend from New Orleans came out and said, "Hey, they sold the mala you made for $3700!" I was stunned! But I went in to try and confirm that this was true. Some people said it was the same mala that I'd made, others said it was different. The helper said it was Rinpoche's Green Tara mala that he made himself, so I was confused. I mean, what are the chances that he had another green malachite mala?

Well after a day or two I had to ask Namkhai Norbu myself. He said it was the same mala, but he restrung it and put a different tassel on it. So it was both the one I gave him and one that he made himself after all. Kind of like the two truths, "Not one. Not two. Two and one." So it was pretty cool that it turned out to be my offering after all.

On Friday Rinpoche finished up the topics at hand and we sang the melodies at the end of the session. While I was singing, I couldn't help but feel thoroughly overwhelmed with fatigue, stress, gratitude, the sheer power of the teachings and all of my interactions with the sangha. Tears came and the words did not. I looked up and Rinpoche was looking at me, right into my eyes. I felt it very deeply, took a nice deep breath and continued. That was a very special conclusion to the retreat. If it ended right there, it would have been enough. But it wasn't over!

There was a position open for the main Western center, in Baja, that is in need of some help. So I went to the community meeting. They asked to tell a little about myself. I told them about myself, as did another friend who was also offering service. Afterwards, I was asked if I wanted to attend a meeting with Rinpoche, up at the house where he was staying. I felt like that would be pretty special, so off we went. It was an amazing house with a fantastic view of the rolling, mist shrouded hillside. We arrived and walked past a large but unassuming man, who seemed to be standing guard outside the door. Upon entering, we were greeted by Rinpoche's wife. Inside were some Tibetan attendants, cooking and cleaning.

In the finely decorated living room we sat and waited for Rinpoche to come downstairs. During the discussion of what questions were going to be asked, Jennifer filmed us. Rinpoche arrived and his son, Yeshi, sat next to him on the couch and the grandchildren were ran around the house. Rinpoche sat, waiting for the committee to address him. After the first question, he gazed into the air and around the room and began to teach. It was amazing to be sitting 2 feet from the Master, looking straight into his eyes. I saw the Guru, compassionate, deeply sensitive and brilliant. I felt, this is not a normal person, but an extraordinarily accomplished Master. And I'm sitting here, interacting. It was perfectly surreal.

I listened carefully and got a good sense about the community and how we should apply the spirit of the teachings to everything. This is a version of, "practicing these principles in all of our affairs," as we say in the 12-Steps. After about an hour I figured I'd better chime in to show that I had something to offer. So I did a little reflection and clarification on what had been said. Both seemed to agree with my summary and listened to a couple of ideas I had. It was nice to participate in the planning of the next phase of this community project. I really felt like I found a niche. At the end, Rinpoche thanked us and shook our hands, making intentional eye contact with each person. I floated out of the room and down the hill.

The next day Yeshi gave an extremely helpful teaching on Dream Yoga. In this Tibetan Buddhism, we practice mindfulness of the preciousness of human existence as an opportunity for spiritual growth. Coupling this with an understanding that this human life, too, shall pass, we try not to waste time. So we try to practice even in our dreams. This was something that Venerable Robina introduced me to a few years ago on retreat. She said to go to sleep with the intention, "May I know that my dreams are dreams," and to wake up surprised and appreciative that we're still here. Beyond that, there are many teachings on how to practice in the night, which we can learn. But to simply be aware like this is quite profound.

I had to run right out after that final teaching. I had a plane to catch. Of course, I had some troubles with the driver and the airline delayed my luggage, we sat on the runway in NYC for 90 minutes and they refused to give me dinner even though it was printed on my ticket. But none of it mattered. I just wanted to absorb this retreat experience as deeply into my waking dream as possible at my level of development. Subsisting on peanuts and ice water, I sat on the plane all the way home, looking deeply at my mind and processing the experiences of the past 10 days. It was really unbelievable.

I leave you with a little bit of spontaneous humor that came to me towards the end of the retreat.

A monk walks into a bar with a puzzled look on his face. The bartender says, "What's on your mind?" The monk says, well I'm not sure if it's my mind or the nature of my mind..." The bartender replies, "What's the difference?"

NAMO GURU BHYE - Homage to the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha and the Real Guru.

-d

Photos Courtesy Colleen O'Neill

If you're interested in the topic of Compassion as it's discussed here, please take a look at a recent book by the Dalai Lama and Jeffrey Hopkins:

How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships

    Jeffrey Hopkins came to Maitripa Institute on July 6-8, 2007. The topic, Compassion, was a surprise to me. I figured he would talk about Emptiness and that it would be some kind of heavy duty intellectual session that would be next to impossible to follow. But it wasn't like that at all. He was really fun and easy to listen to.
    As our resident Tibetologist, Dr. Jim Blumenthal put it, "Professor Hopkins is the world's leading Tibetan scholar".  And as the Dalai Lama's translator for 10 years, he had a lot of little anecdotes about His Holiness that were just fascinating. Jeffrey, as he insisted we call him, has been in the Dharma for 45 years, taught for over 30 years and has published many seminal works of his own, and in conjunction with great lamas. He is a personal student of His Holiness Dalai Lama, and has taken direct teachings with at least 20 Tibetan lamas over the years, many of whom he taught English. So it was  an honor and a real treat to meet this amazing individual.
    I just love the Western teachers when they can break down the synthesized teachings.
The handout was, to my limited understanding, a compilation from Chandrakirti, Nagarjuna and Kamalashila. The commentary on the commentary, as he put it, with the title 'The Difference Between Compassion, Great Compassion and Special Great Compassion'. If you look at the handout, it makes almost no sense. But when you listen to Dr. Hopkins, it makes perfect sense. To me, that's the quality of a genius. Or at least a really, really smart guy.
    The teaching began with the notion that all beings, even a dove, have a seed of compassion, as in the example of a dove's sympathy for it's offspring. In trying to make the distinction between sympathy and empathy, we learned that it's really about both, and is very difficult to discern one from the other in the translations. That's regular compassion, the seed of sympathy or mercy that all beings have at least a tiny bit of.
    Then Great Compassion is "thoroughly knowing the ways in which all sentient beings are pained by suffering and generating sympathy for all sentient beings that is like a mother's sense of sympathy for her sole child who has slipped into a pit of filth or been carried away by a river."
    Knowing the 3 types of suffering that beings experience, a Bodhisattva is said to have Great Compassion. On the point of the 3 types, Jeffrey defined the Suffering of Suffering as physical and mental "ouch" pain. The Suffering of Change happens with "eww" pain. We experience pleasure, which makes us go 'eww',  based on some object that we determine has an inherent nature of being pleasurable. Ven. Robina always gives the example of chocolate cake. We think that chocolate cake is going to make us happy because chocolate cake is 'good'. But if we keep eating chocolate cake, seeking happiness, eventually we'll start to vomit. So it isn't the cake itself that contains happiness, it's our conditioning, our perception and our mind that decides that it is so. And when the object of perceived happiness stops making us happy, it becomes an object of suffering.
    The question we can ask ourselves can be about anything that we're ready to die for, fight for, kill for, manipulate for or do what we've got to do to get or keep. We can inquire to the inherentness of this seeming source of endless happiness like this, "Will this thing, person, or substance bring me the same pleasure as I think it's now going to bring me under any and all possible conditions?". The answer will always be no. But try it. It takes the steam out of obsessions, and the edge off of attachments. This is a kind of cool thing about meditation by analysis. Don't try this with your Zen friends. They might become un-Zenly. I just made that up, feel free to use it.
    Ordinary sentient beings are caught in this endless cycle of suffering based on ignorance, creating afflictive emotions and endless rebirth, yet a Bodhisattva at even the 10th 'ground' or 'bhumi' (stage) will still be caught by the Two Obstructions to Omniscience, albeit at levels much more subtle than ordinary beings. One of the qualities of Omniscience is the skill of Super Clairvoyance, which is necessary to be of maximum service to suffering beings. Even after making it through the 9 levels (described in detail in the Dasabhumika Sutra) of a Bodhisattva, they can still be held back by the same obscurations that stand in your way, and in my way, right now. According to Lamayeshe.com, "This is the gradual path to enlightenment traversed by bodhisattvas practicing the six perfections (charity, morality, patience, enthusiastic perseverance, concentration, and wisdom) through the ten bodhisattva levels (bhumi)  over countless eons of rebirth in samsara for the benefit of all sentient beings. Also called Sutrayana or Bodhisattvayana."
    I think it's interesting that a 10th ground Bodhisattva who has made it through countless eons of rebirth in Samsara still has the same fundamental problem that face all beings with consciousness, namely, ignorance of the truth which keeps us buried in karma. To put it in context, Chandrakirti makes some distinctions on the qualities of those with what some schools call Special Great Compassion.  Some scholars make the distinction, others don't. It's a scholarly question which I'll leave to the scholars. For our purposes, I think these qualities are worth noting:
    A Solitary Realizer (like a cave-dwelling yogi) or a Hearer, on the Hinayana path who are concerned with enlightenment, not for the sake of all beings but for their own sake, would, knowing emptiness and compassion, and seeing the suffering of others, feel pain like fire striking the skin. But a Bodhisattva, whose main concern is at three levels, 1) Considering,  'If beings could become free of suffering', 2) Having the wish, 'May all beings be free of suffering' and finally 3) Taking the responsibility, 'I will, by myself alone, save all beings from suffering.', feels the suffering of others like 'fire burning the skin and striking the flesh' below. It's deep, and this sense of suffering with others is automatic, in that it 'arises spontaneously' and doesn't require any meditation, be it analytical or otherwise.
    For you and I, we can feel the suffering of those we care about, but how about those we could care less about? How about those with whom we are neutral, or those with whom we are resentful? The good news is that there is a solution, namely the Mind Trainings, e.g., seeing others as equal, in that we all want to not suffer and we all want to be happy, seeing that beings have been our friends or mothers countless times in beginningless past lives, wanting to repay their kindness, contemplating the advantages of cherishing others, and so on. These can be found as the Seven Mind Trainings but have also been combined to Eleven Mind Trainings. Jeffrey got confused when trying to explain that, because he doesn't combine them. He said that since he doesn't practice it, he shouldn't really try to teach it. I liked that about him.
    This stuff all makes great sense, but how do we actually practice with it? How to apply in daily life is always the challenge. Well, the cool thing about Jeffrey Hopkins is that he really walks the walk, and talks of the walk (not just the thinking) of a practitioner. He breaks all these way too hard to understand, super philosophical, heavily translated and often widely disputed fine points into bite size, applicable pieces that us mere intellectual mortals can work with. He talks about these levels of Bodhisattva-ness, replete with quotes from multiple lamas, stories of the Dalai Lama and personal life experience. He said that when you consider how Great Compassion or Special Great Compassion operates in the mind and heart of Bodhisattvas, that his understanding was at the level of a bug. A bug! This is the guy who writes the definitive English translations of the Madhyamika school, which is the peak of Buddhist philosophy.
    I  asked Jeffrey what he'd say to someone who saw him do something selfish or angry or otherwise normally human, and, knowing he was a lifetime practitioner, said something like, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be a Buddhist?". He said, without hesitation, that his reply would be, "That goes to show you what a pathetic practitioner I am". I was dumbfounded by the man's humility!  And you know what, the next time someone wants to know why I'm still angry or selfish or otherwise impure and not like the driven snow, I'm going to try to remember what Jeffrey said. I'd like to be able to look at them and say something like, "You're right. I could do better, and I'm working on it".  
    So thanks Jeffrey. Thanks for learning all those languages, writing all those books, and doing all of those practices with all those lamas for all those years. And thanks for coming to Portland not, as you said, as a lama, a sensei, a Roshi or a rishi, but as someone with whom we could consider these topics. Consider them we did.  And it was a truly inspiring experience.

-d

P.S. Jeffrey added something to the dedication that we do at the end of teachings, study and practices that I found helpful. We first dedicate the merits to someone close to us, to make it real, before dedicating to all sentient beings.

may you, the reader, be free of suffering, and it's causes
may all beings be free of suffering, and it's causes

May 31st, 2007
Today is the anniversary of Buddha's Enlightenment, and a full moon. Big Mind. Buddha Mind. One Mind.

Since me and you really are interdependent, dependently arising and empty of inherently existing essence, there really is no me and there really is no you. So, how about that parking space, can I have it?

On Saturday, May 26th, I took a Big Mind seminar with Genpo Roshi (Dennis Merzel) here in Portland, Oregon. Genpo's new book, Big Mind-Big Heart  just came out.  According to Genpo, people have reported having Big Mind experiences just from reading the book.

If you click here: http://blacksamba.com/talks/bigmind/, you can download a couple of older videos from when the process was first introduced. He's refined it a bit since those were done, and you can buy a DVD set that will walk you through the whole process as it is now.  The psych piece of this all started with Hal Stone and his wife when they created something called Voice Dialogs. You can read their book, Embracing Ourselves to get a better idea of the psychological, Jungian aspect of the process.

I first did Voice Dialogs with my wife in about 1988 or '89, when she was in Psych Tech school down in Huntington Beach. We sat around the coffee table with our AA friends, talking to our individual voices in each other. It was pretty creepy, pretty powerful, and pretty real. I think it was considered kind of a dangerous therapy back then, and was somewhat controversial. Maybe people split off or disassociated and weren't able to integrate. I was a little intrigued, and somewhat skeptical about Genpo Roshi's approach. So of course I had to try it!

Genpo is a credible teacher in my eyes, partly because he was a student of Maezumi Roshi, as was my main teacher from the early 90's, Joko Beck. I've practiced with one of her successors, Larry Christensen here at the  Zen Center of Portland for several years. Genpo has been a Zen teacher for over 30 years, and reached a point of burnout around 1999. He developed this Big Mind process as a way of helping people from both a psychological and a Zen view. Although he asserts that the Big Mind process is neither, I think it's more of a disclaimer. He said he doesn't want to be judged by purists from either camp.

Larry was a friend of Genpo's from the 70's at the Zen Center of LA, so he attended the seminar. One of my other teachers, Yangsi Rinpoche, whom I've written about on this blog,  also attended. That was interesting because I go to a lot of teachings, and unless it's the Dalai Lama, I don't often see my other teachers in the audience.

My Assessment: The Big Mind process is pretty amazing, and it really did bring me to a heightened state of Big Mind Awareness. I wouldn't do it justice trying to explain it all here, but if you watch the videos and/or read the book, you'll know if you want to explore it further. And I think you will. Genpo does offer retreats on the process, and at the end of his seminars, he actually gives you permission to go use it in your work and private lives! That is a really interesting point. He encourages the use of the process with clients, students, partners. In Tantric initiations, you get permission to practice, but it takes quite a bit more for an empowerment to teach.

As an overview, here's how it goes. At Genpo's prompting, we are asked to get 'in voice' with our Inner Critic, Controller, Skeptic, Fear, Anger, etc. Members of the audience dialog with the teacher by shouting out statements in answer to his queries. It's kind of different than a typical dharma talk in that it's totally interactive. We have the analogy that there's a corporation with 10,000 employees (like the 10,000 states of mind spoken of in Buddhist Sutras). None of the employees knows his job title, job description, nor who her boss is. This is chaos. Insanity. And this is how we live. So we do something very sane. We take out each of these voices, and give them their due, in an interview. A Question and Answer about who they are, what they do, what they don't do, and so on. That's the Dualistic side of the triangle.

Then, after a break, we move to the Non-Dual side, starting with the Seeker of the Awakened Way. We talk to the seeker for a bit, then we talk to the Mind That Does Not Seek, or something like that. We move further into this, calling it by different names, like Buddha Mind. Then we move to the top, or Apex of the triangle. As he calls for the Integrated State, the Unborn, the Maha Vairochana Buddha, people in the room start speaking from this state, as if they ARE that from which all Buddhas are Born. DANG! I was really wondering, and I didn't get a chance to ask, but were these people all kind of veterans of this process, or were they having a spiritual experience or what? In the beginning, he'd asked how many Buddhists, Zen students, etc. and I didn't think there were that many. But from the way people were calling out their answers, it was as if I was in a room full of Buddhas. Well, depending on who you talk to, we're always in a room full of Buddhas, but I'll leave that to another discussion.

Whether or not the participants were parroting the latest new age spiritual terminology, or were actually in Big Mind, is kind of irrelevant if you ask me. And I am the one you're talking to. Or listening to, reading, as it were. The point being that Genpo brought us through the process of identifying, objectifying, disseminating, owning and then re-integrating all of these archetypes. He did it kind of tricky. Since he is a real Zen master, and has his own Awakened Mind that, incidentally, just kind of came about in the past 8-9 years, he was able to bring it out like only a real good Zen teacher can do. But he did it with a fresh-new-interactive-no- bullshit style.

I felt like I was in a very boundary-less, awakened, joyful, open, spacious and compassionately grateful state of Being at the end of the seminar. That is, until some lady told me to get out of her way. Then my Controller/Skeptic/Big Ego took over my Big Mind!  But still, this was a very interesting form of Direct Introduction that is, I think, just about as revolutionary as Shakyamuni Buddha was 2500 years ago.

Happy Parinirvana, all of you Buddhas of the past, present and future...

love

-d

Lama Surya Das has a new book, "Buddha is as Buddha Does", which coincided with his annual stop here in Portland, Oregon, USA for teachings. Around 100 of us had a one day retreat in a church downtown. It was lovely. The link to the pictures is at the bottom of the page.

The topic was on the 10, (notice not 6) Paramitas or Virtues of being a Bodhisattva. Basically, a bodhisattva is commited to not leaving the realm of samsara, suffering, infinite cyclic existence, delusion until all 6 realms - Hell Realm, Hungry Ghost Realm, Animal Realm, Human Realm, Jealous God Realm, God Realm are completely empty of suffering sentient beings.  In zen we say, "Sentient Beings are Numberless. I Vow to Save Them All".  That's the commitment. The Paramitas are the method. That's the gist of it.

Sound overwhelming? In his cogent, calm and exacting style, Lama Surya Das demystifies, clarifies and solidifies the meaning of these seemingly esoteric teachings. Tysa saw him at the Powell's City of Books book-signing the night before, and I would have to agree with her evaluation. We were both pleasantly surprised. Why a surprise? Well, I have to admit, when somebody's doing a book tour, I wonder if they're  Turning of the Wheel of Dharma or the Wheel of the Dharma Industrial Complex. Let's not pretend: Enlightenment is BIG business. So, like the Tibetan Lamas always say, "check up".

I've been practicing a couple of times per month with the local Lama Surya Das meditation group, who is solely responsible for putting on this event. If you're read any of my diatribes on Dharma Neurosis, you'll recall that I periodically have doubts about the so called sanghas here and about. Well I'll say this: if the students are a reflection of the teacher, then this teacher must be pretty good. Because these people whom I practice with are very delightful, kind and easygoing.

Yes, it's weird to call a white man, "Lama" and he did look at me funny when I asked him to sign my prayer book instead of a copy of his new release, but all in all, I had a very nice day of teachings, and not a single moment of agitation. Sure, it's because I'm growing, but really, these are nice people and the teacher is very good. What he does is he explains things with what he calls 'definition clusters'. Now I'm a big fan of adjectives, I like to use 3 at a time, more if possible. So this appeals to me. He uses Sanskrit, Tibetan and colloquial terminology to hit the 'undefinable ultimate meaning' from many angles. This is a good skill, and he does it mostly without notes.

The practices that he had us do were also very nicely structured. We started with a mantra of Guru Rinpoche, repeating it over and over while he led with singing different melodies and rhythms. Ok, a New York sounding Jew doesn't have the prettiest singing voice, but under it was a very steady pulse. After he got us established on a regular beat and melody, he added his own changes to it that kept us kind of on the edge of the beat and pushing deeper into the vibration of the mantra. This was followed by about 25 minutes of silent meditation, and another short period of recitation. We began each session this way, with the Chenrezig, "OM MANI PADME HUM" and then the Tara, "OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SVAHA" mantras. Dawn-Starr, the lady who makes the event and the study group happen, had her personal Thankgas (Tibetan deity paintings) behind the altar. You can see this in the photo gallery. So as we were reciting, you could look up at the Thankga of the deity whose mantra you were singing. Kind of like a well done TV set, the Thankas, altar cloths, even the teacher's shirt were finely color coordinated, making for a consistent and flowing presentation.

He gave teachings, mostly from his new book after these meditations. The teachings, he explained from the Outer, Inner and Ultimate meaning levels. He didn't go too far into the Ultimate, but those who practice know how to meditate on these deeper meanings, which really defy verbal explanations anyways. So this was good, and I enjoyed every minute of it. He offered to answer questions, which is really in a way one of the difficulties I have with traditional Tibetan teachings, namely that they don't often have a Q&A session. Nobody had a question and he seemed disappointed, so I offered one of my own. Well hey, the mic was right there and I'm never short of something to say.

I asked him how the AA quote, "our very lives as ex problem drinkers depend on our constant thought of others" fits into the Bodhisattva path. He was actually very interested in this, and we had a bit of a discussion, wherein he asked me to repeat the quote so he could write it down and use it in the future. This is right up my alley, and as a matter of fact I'm teaching a class in June called Integrating Buddhism and the Twelve Steps. Click here to register. He asked me to explain how this concept helped me stay sober. Of course, anyone who's been in the program for a while can tell you, the root of our problem is self-centeredness. It's a spiritual malady, which centers in the mind, rather than the body. The solution is, as we say in the program, do 'get out of yourself'. So that was a lot of fun having the discussion and I felt like I connected nicely with Lama Surya.

More next time, as we continue this fascinating journey. Thank you so much for tuning in and please, feel free to make comments or ask questions. Don't forget I have the 12 Step, Power of Now and Dharma 'pods' here on Zaadz for discussion as well.

Photos from the Lama Surya Das retreat:
http://picasaweb.google.com/thubtenpalden/LamaSuryaDas

love.

-d

Photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/thubtenpalden/HH_SF_04_07

I get a certain feeling in certain places. I've tried to determine if it's a memory, an association, a flashback, a deja-vu or what. I'm pretty sure it's a spiritual experience, but I've tried to be objective. The places where I feel this feeling are often where lamas dwell, teach, have made blessings and so on. During the weekend of teachings by His Holiness Dalai Lama (April 27-29th,  2007) in San Francisco, I had this feeling almost constantly.

We drove down from Portland on Wednesday. It took 11 hours. We stayed with a friend of a nun I know who had a parrot that spoke Russian, Spanish, English and Tara mantras in a constant stream, like a digital mix with reverb. It was quite interesting, if not somewhat creepy. As we were leaving in the morning, our host told us a story of a scientist lady she knows who uses a special spectral photography to shoot aura energies. While in New York, they did a test where the nun did a control shoot without her mala, and one with the mala. Without the mala, her aura was thin, as she's been sickly for some time. With the mala on, however, there were a spectrum of light energies surrounding and penetrating her aura. The scientist lady speculates that these are enlightened beings who are attracted to holy objects. In Buddhism, we often work with visualizing, for example, that when we take refuge, that all infinite beings from beginningless time take refuge with us. Or when we do a prostration, that all beings prostrate with us. This is a particular point in Vajrayana Buddhist practices, where deities are visualized and believed to be present. I found this story interesting, as I've often noted when taking teachings that there are many beings present with the teacher as he speaks with the authority and blessing of the lineage masters. 

We got to San Francisco and found the Tse Chen Ling Dharma Center. The basement houses traveling monks and Venerable Robina's Liberation Prison Project. As we walked in the door Marilyn and Barry from Canada were arriving. I know them from last year's Kopan West Lam Rim retreat with Robina, as well as our last visit to Vancouver, B.C. to see H.H. Robina greeted us warmly, and we went downstairs to get to work. Everyone upstairs was running around preparing the center for Lama Zopa Rinpoche's arrival from Santa Cruz. He and several very prominent Geshes (lamas with 'doctorates' in Buddhist scripture) were going to do a Guru Puja for His Holiness. That was an added bonus for us, as we had no idea LZR was going to be staying at the center during teachings.

I recently started writing letters for LPP at Ven. Robina's request. We talk to inmates who have a serious interest in the Dharma, acting as friends and spiritual teachers. It was nice to connect with the people who I've only known via email. Everyone was very nice. Tysa worked on a project for their bookstore and I did some database work. After a couple of hours, we realized that everyone was getting ready to go greet H.H. at his hotel. I hadn't counted on such an amazing opportunity, so we jumped at the chance to give rides over to the Fairmount Hotel.

We waited out front of the hotel for about 45 minutes while the secret policia and hotel knuckleheads tried to push the crowds back. It's pretty funny when they try to strong-arm monks on robes. The monks just ignored them and only moved back when physically pushed. H.H. arrived by limo, and the security paramilitary team sprang into position. The Dalai Lama was protected, and that's what matters.  He went over to one side and touched the heads of some monks, presumably blessing them, before coming over to our side to do the same thing. You can see pictures of this scene at the link above. He came over where I was and spoke to the Geshe-la from Tse Chen Ling for a moment. I put my hand out, hoping he would high-five me, or slap a blessing on me. It's obvious that if he acknowledged every person that he'd never get anything done, so it's cool that that didn't happen. He looked at me though, and I consider that a powerful blessing.

Later that night, after doing more work at LPP, we went upstairs to find the place PACKED wall-to-wall with Buddhists from Portland, Santa Cruz, San Francisco and more. We all lined up outside to offer kata to LZR as he arrived. There are pictures of this as well. Now, the thing with Lama Zopa Rinpoche is that he's a very, very powerful being. When he shows up, people come out of the woodwork to see him. An otherwise empty center will be jammed to the brim. Tysa met LZR when he came to Portland, before she took refuge. I remember when he walked in to Maitripa. He stopped and looked at her, as if he were very happy to see her. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that Venerable Ingrid was staying with us at the time, and that she is in many respects an agent of LZR's Guru Mandala. If you think this sounds weird, don't worry, it's not. But it is heavy, and psychic, and profound. Not weird though. Tysa had gone ahead of me in line to offer kata and evidently LZR didn't say anything to the first 20 people or so, until he got to Tysa. She's since taken refuge in the Kagyu tradition and has become a practitioner. Well LZR stopped at Tysa, looked at her and asked, "How are you?" before moving on down the line. I find this very interesting. Then when he got to me, he gave me this funny look, like, "man, are you causing trouble again?".

Let me explain the effect that LZR has on me, and from what I've heard, many others. He teaches you what you need to be taught. He can see where you're at, and he breaks it down, right then and there, on the spot. With a look. Anyone who's spent any time at all around gurus knows how this works and that it works. So his teaching to me became evident by the time I got home from the trip.

We went to Oakland and stayed with my friend from Maureen from retreat last summer. I try to stay in touch with people over email if possible, to keep the relationships alive. We took BART over to the Bill Graham Civic Center each day, taking 2 hour teachings in the morning and afternoon. We hung out with many different friends and acquaintances during the lunch breaks. See photos. The monks and nuns from different traditions were all seated on the stage with His Holiness. Lama Zopa Rinpoche was up front, with his head down almost the whole time. The topic was Dependent Origination, via some verses by Nagarjuna and Tsongkapa. H.H. taught in Tibetan, with his amazing translator Geshe (?) breaking it down flawlessly in English for us. I think if you're really interested in this topic, grab a copy of Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way by Nagarjuna and have at it. This text is perhaps the cornerstone of the Mahdyamika philosophical school, of which the Gelugpa tradition is founded. It's all about Emptiness. 

His Holiness offered the Bodhisattva refuge vow (Vow of the Awakened Mind) after the talks on emptiness. I took my Bodhisattva Vow with Lama Zopa Rinpoche in November, 2006, but I really felt like my selfishness and self-centeredness got the best of me since then. I had thought I needed to take it again in the presence of a Master as soon as possible, but I hadn't known when that would happen. So when I saw the first stanza on the big screen of the auditorium, I knew that this was the time, and that there was no higher Master with whom to reaffirm my vow. This made me very happy, and I didn't realize it until later that LZR knew this would happen, and that was the teaching he had for me. It's really quite beautiful how all of these things work together. So I said the prayer with whole heartedness, in the presence of the Buddha, and all Enlightened Beings, trillions upon gazillions of them who must have been there in that auditorium, at that time, with His Holiness Dalai Lama. If they were ever anywhere, they would be there then. I'm sure if I had that spectral camera, they'd show up in the image. So with this conviction, I retook my vow.  

Following the refuge vow, a Gyuto monk from Gyuto Vajrayana Center , the San Jose monastery that sponsored the event, gave thanks. As he talked, his voice cracked and he was obviously overcome with gratitude and emotion. When he got to the end of his thank you, his heart exploded. The last few words broke though the lump in his throat, and he tearfully finished up. I had a lot of moments during this trip, but I'll say that this one I felt most deeply. Frankly, I think the monk expressed what all 4500 of us were feeling. This was evidenced by the silence of the auditorium as His Holiness Dalai Lama was leaving. You could feel his presence throughout the building. The air was thick with it. The room stood, hands together, in devotion and gratitude. The world famous Gyuto monks sang a Long Life Prayer for His Holiness for about an hour afterwards. Most people stayed for this. You can see them with yellow hats in the photos.

That night Tysa and I walked through a cemetery, thinking about the Chod practice that we're about to learn, taking pictures of black cats, feeding candy to a strange rodent, and winding down. The next morning at 0630 we headed home. We didn't realize it, but Hwy 80 had burned down as we passed it, heading out of Oakland back towards Portland. We drove most of the next 9 hours in silence.

-d

With the wish to free all beings
I shall always go for refuge
to Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha,
Until I reach full enlightenment.

Inspired by wisdom and compassion,
Today, in the Buddha's presence,
I generate the mind of full awakening
For the benefit of all sentient beings.

As long as space remains
As long as sentient beings remain
Until then may I too remain
And dispel the miseries of the world.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

http://blacksamba.com/texts/LordsPrayer_EmmetFox.pdf

To read Emmet Fox's treatise on The Lord's Prayer,  click the link above. You can also right-click and Save to your hard drive to read later. Acrobat Reader is required.

The reason I'm putting this up is because I was recently thinking about this prayer and what it means to me. This is after I kind of got in trouble the other day at the end of an AA meeting for requesting that we do the Lord's Prayer instead of the Serenity Prayer. Someone was upset that I went against the group conscience and got confrontational with me about it. Then my friend the secretary said she hated the Lord's Prayer because it's patriarchical and guilt inducing. So it made me think about the prayer and my history with it as a spirtual device.

Since I have had this book, Power Through Constructive Thinking by Emmet Fox for many years, a scanner and Acrobat, I decided to scan it and post a blog entry on it this morning. My history with it is this: back in about 1986 I participated in a couple of 3 month long weekly discussion groups on Emmet Fox's The Sermon on the Mount and The Lord's Prayer with a guy who had known Emmet Fox in the 40's. His name was Dan Crouch and at the time he had 38 years of sobriety. So he taught us how to interpret this kind of what I call metaphysical Christianity in the context of AAs 12 steps. It was a fascinating, life changing adventure to go through this with program people.

What I learned was that if you look past the historical language, the distorted interpretations of theocratic institutions, the babbling of Bible thumping idiots... you can see that there is a lot of cool shit going on in some of the Bible in general, and in everything that Jesus said. Now I've been practicing Buddhism for a long time, and have never, ever considered myself a 'Christian'. As a matter of fact, I almost died at the hands of the Southern Baptist freakazoids in Texas (ok, it wasn't all their fault). But I don't think these people understand, in general, anything of a spiritual nature. Thier perspective is pretty sick. But that doesn't mean that there's nothing of value in things like The Lord's Prayer.

For example, in terms of blaming or fearing God.  The author says that 'the same fountain cannot send forth both sweet and bitter water". This view, that 'God' can't send bad stuff to us, because 'His' nature is goodness, kind of fits in with the idea of intrinsic Buddha Nature, which purports that we are all enlightened beings. But we're ASLEEP to that knowledge. Interesting! Also, the main Buddhist teaching on Karma works with this idea, that WE are responsible for our experiences in life. In AA we say, "we realized that we put ourselves in a position to be hurt". I always think of it in the mirror of that, namely that we can also put ourselves in a position to be not hurt, or in the Feng Shui, the flow, the stream of life. Our friend Noah talks about going 'against the stream' but I think he's just looking for an exuse to retain a punker's rebellious attitude. It doesn't look that good on a 35 year old, IMHO! My sponsor says that 'rebellion is BORING'.  But, I have to confess, I am a shit stirring mother-effer. I'm really working on it, but man, people need to be set straight. Wait, did I digress? Oh yeah, the Integration of Metaphysical Christianity with Intrinsic Buddha Nature of the Third Turning of the Wheel of Dharma in the context of Recovery within AA's Twelve Steps.

So I invite you to read this .PDF with an open mind. Try to relate it to your own experiences\ religious beliefs\spiritual journey\recovery. Look past the 'Thou Shalts' , 'His'es and other male, Biblical language  to the deeper layer of meaning. Post up here what you think after you read it if you like. If you hate it and it makes your skin crawl with visions of nuns chasing you with rulers...feel free to expound on that. If you see parallels or contradictions with Buddhist Thought, I would welcome a comment to that effect. At least just read it and think about it. Maybe the next time you hear the Lord's Prayer, you won't wretch. As much. (-:

may you be free of suffering, and the root of suffering

-d

PS, in the teachings the root of suffering is said to be ignorance.

I dreamt I was getting some Marlboro cigarettes at a convenient mart, but  the proprietor was the owner of the Tibet store here in Portland. I found myself in line at a gas station, trying to get some deep fried shrimp dim sum. When I got up to the counter I opened my wallet and found that my Marlboros were really some kind of pack of 6 small cigarette-cigars. I looked at my credit card and realized it was a Visa with the brand name of the cigars. The other guy had given me the wrong stuff. But I had obviously already smoked one of those cigars, so I couldn't understand how I wouldn't have noticed already.  So I told the lady I'd be back in 15 minutes, even though I figured it might take longer.

I went out to get my money back and realized I was on a street I didn't know. The name had changed. I went down the way I thought I knew, and wound up in this hilly neighborhood where I asked some girls and they laughed and said I was not where I thought I was. Portland was far away. They walked down the street before I could get good directions home, so I carried my bike back up the hill and asked some guest house guy at the top. He took me inside and kept trying and trying to give me directions to freeways that I'd never heard of.  I didn't understand any of it, the street names, the map, I couldn't see or make out any of it. They were showing me how we were in this mountain town and I had no idea I was that far away. And no matter how many times he tried I couldn't understand him. So then this chic tried, and she was kind of flirting with me, but I still couldn't understand her. At one point, she showed me her butt crack and said something like, "look, I'll show you a map", but I couldn't look down since it would be impolite. Finally a guy from the program who I recognized from meetings wrote it all down neatly, with where to turn right and left. Then he turned to leave and said to the rest of them that he'd be back next week for meditation. I thought, "wait a minute, they're having a meditation meeting without me?".

I got on my bike and saw the freeway right down below. At that point I didn't care if I could ride my bike down it or not, I needed to get home. I saw a little path straight down there, which looked easy enough to navigate. But as I got down the hill, the path became more difficult and impassable. At the bottom, I actually found myself needing to cross a river to get to the freeway. So I decided to swim with my bike. In the water, the river became kind of an underground waterway. At one point I saw some smudge that made me think it was really kind of a sewer. I had left my bike underwater but retrieved it before I  crawled up from the underpass.  I was in someone's yard and I got up into this yard and was looking at what I thought was an overview, where there was a lady who welcomed me. I felt like finally I got to where I could see my path home, and although it looked like a really long way, I was relieved. Then some dogs came up to me and we were at a fountain that kept running, similar to what we have in Portland. Me and one nice doggy  shared a drink from the faucet and I wondered if it was pure water or water from the sewer. I couldn't really taste the difference.

I woke up and realized that in the dream I couldn't navigate, couldn't understand anyone and needed to find my way home. People gave me information, but I didn't trust it and when I did it became difficult to understand.  I got lost, couldn't understand the directions home and at the end I was trying to figure out why I never called AA to get someone to show me the way. I knew if I did, they would. That's a relief if I ever find myself lost on a bike in a strange mountain town, hungry for dimsum.

Saturday - AA Speaker Meeting
Sunday - Namkhai Norbu Dzogchen practice group at my house, followed by AA Step Study and 11pm-5am shift on the AA hotline.
Monday -  Intergroup service commitment for AA. Normally an AA meeting on that night. 
Tuesday - Meditation with the Lama Surya Das group.
Wednesday - Meditation and discussion on koans with the Portland Zen Center group.
Thursday - Meditation with Yangsi Rinpoche at Maitripa.
Friday - study texts, meditate, go to AA meeting to hear a fellow practitioner speak.

This was the week ending Friday, March 16th, 2007. Pretty typical, except that every other week I do AA instead of the Lama Surya group, and every other week I do psychotherapy. I also work with some people in jail and am stepping up the number of inmates that I talk to pretty soon. I sit at Starbuck's a LOT, reading and having one-on-ones with fellow travellers, practitioners, community members. I've pretty much stopped working on my non-profit music program, Portland Jazz Jams. I've turned it over to other people to keep it going.  My main focus now is study, practice and integration of the spiritual principles of AA with all of these other practices. It's very interesting to compare notes between all of these, which I won't go into yet. If you've been reading the blog (you can click the past pages or tags to catch up) you'll know that I've been working on this for a while now.

You may wonder why the hell I go to so many groups. Well, as we say in the program, "some are sicker than others". Frankly (yes, I love saying that), I can't handle just one group. They all drive me nuts in their own ways, but I find that if I attend a variety, I can get what I need from each without making unreasonable demands on any. For example, if I only went to Maitripa, I'd be worried and upset because the people there aren't all that fun to talk to, and it's hard to get a lot of teachings there unless you're in the university program. If I only went to the zendo, I'd have very little to talk about with anyone. It's easy to get in an AA rut, and therapy is only one hour every 2 weeks.

I try to keep my focus throughout all of these activities. Following are some notes from meditation on Tuesday afternoon. Maybe they reflect the work I'm working on as I try to work it out:

Thoughts attempt either to stop what is from coming into or being in experience, or to prevent what is in our experience from diminishing or ending. Either way what is, is. Whether it's coming or going, the clarity of experience is that phenomena are coming and going. All of it. Everything comes and goes. Nothing is permanent, particularly the "I'. Thoughts, sensations, our visions -  all come and go, regardless of our obsession to attach to or avert from them. It's as if the ego is like a paranoid, cracked out traffic cop who blows his whistle all day long, trying to stop some cars that won't stop', and hold back some cars that won't stay.

Awareness observes this. Likes, dislikes, good, bad, beautiful, ugly, form and formless. Awareness is unaffected. The intellectual mind wants to understand what cannot be understood conceptually and the ego wants to control what cannot be controlled. This is our condition. It is very, very similar to what us addicts went through with the substances. But we all do it, all the time. It's just not as obvious. Until you start to contemplate.

Inasmuch as this is our state of reality, namely all phenomena are dependent arising, our efforts to deny phenomena of this movement is initself a denial of that reality. For no matter how hard we work at it, how much time we spend on it or how clever our ego gets as it goes about it's man